Notes from a birthing ball

A postcard from the (dis)comfort of the final few days of pregnancy, hurtling towards the due date of my first baby and on the eve of International Women’s Day. I am excited to meet the little person who has been growing inside me and to take on the mammoth role of mothering.

I am not one of those women who spent their days planning my life around having children. I know and love some of those women, but I am not one of them. For as long as I remember, I have had complex feelings about motherhood and moreover, womanhood. I understand that statement could be triggering for those who have/ are currently struggling to conceive and I don’t mean to be flippant about such an emotive topic but I think it is important to acknowledge the vast spectrum of feelings on motherhood and womanhood.

Those who choose to live their lives child-free have my utmost respect for being true to their own wants and needs, as many of the women who came before us birthed and raised children without question, and mostly without choice. Such was the role of women in society, to rear children, and do so without making a fuss, of course.

Motherhood was never my north star but is it any wonder when I recount the ways in which women in Ireland have been treated?

I have been privileged enough to have lived through another time, a time of reckoning for Irish women. A time where we looked back, sometimes reluctantly, and saw how the suffering of Irish women was a hallmark of the state we called home. We are undoubtedly coming out the other end but there are still questions and remnants of the past in our national psyche when it comes to being a woman in Ireland.

It is hardly surprising either, as going from a place where misogyny was the status quo to a contemporary, fair society in which women’s voices are listened to and respected in one generation would have been quite the leap. It has been a painful process of casting light into the recesses of shame and suffering of women who quite simply deserved better.

We have many women in particular, to thank for their work on our behalf. Women who stood up, faced ridicule and risked their own reputations to bring about change in what was a small-minded island, bereft of empathy for those who often needed it most.

I feel incredibly lucky to have been cared for by my partner, my family and friends throughout this pregnancy and know that whilst motherhood is in essence a singular experience, I have their love and support. From what I can glean from others, what’s ahead is an indescribable upheaval, both beautiful and chaotic. I worry that I will lose myself entirely to this tiny person who doesn’t even have a name yet, but I have grand plans to keep writing through this chapter of my life, to keep a grasp on one’s self, for myself and for the women who come next.